As I healed and decided to engage in healthier relationships, I realized I had a lot to learn. I devoured all the information I could find on happy marriages. Then I took a careful assessment of my own and realized forcefully that I had an unhealthy marital relationship. When I ended the relationship and became single, I took the time to listen to and read a lot of material on healthy relationships and how to get over a divorce. It was very cleansing. I looked at it as a time of rebirth for me.
Many of my closest confidants in life are men. They seem to have the ability to cut through the nonsense and see things more objectively and clearly than women in general. I wanted to get together with some male friends because I find their perspective refreshing. I genuinely enjoy male companionship.
I thought about what characteristics I liked about myself and what I wanted to accentuate. I thought about what my major objectives were in a marriage relationship.
One of the key principles I discovered in my reading is that some women love too much by giving up their own happiness for their partner’s especially if they have been abused in the past.
Another key principle that really resonates with me is that we are attracted to the people who have some element in their lives or personalities that represents unfinished business in our lives.
We are drawn to the people who will help us resolve our unfinished issues. If the person you bond with is also invested in learning, healing and growing themselves; you are in the best possible place to work out your “stuff.” If you partner with someone who remains stuck in their patterns, you often see the dynamics you found in your home or past relationships repeating itself. In the final analysis, a relationship is healthy, nurturing and beneficial when both partners are growing together in their individual paths. If the growing stops, or only one partner wants to progress, the relationship will sour and become unhealthy. When this happens, however painful it is, your own growth and happiness depends on your courage to continue growing by ending that relationship .This principle is as true for friendships as it is for marriages.
The best chance for you to get what you want out of your relationship is to know what you want in the first place and be willing to continually work toward your own growth while learning and exploring the other person’s needs. Ultimately, we are responsible to make sure our own needs are met and not demand that someone else meet them.
Another crucial element in a healthy relationship is your willingness to be vulnerable with each other. Do you approach the relationship with a need to protect or a willingness to learn about your partner and their needs? Growth and true emotional and sexual intimacy only come when you drop your defenses and interact with your partner with the intent to learn. Regardless of the situation, whether it’s a conflict or exploring their needs and desires, open, honest discussion of the other’s needs, wants and feelings will bring bonding. Together you can more fully achieve your desires when you work together from the intent to learn.
